I have been denied admission to the the hospital twice....even though everyone else (crisis/hotlines/me/friends) know I need to get in there before I do something stupid.
The more I have time to think the more I'm trying to find the most painless ways. I want the pain to stop so I see no reason why I should experience pain for my last feeling.
Today, I am catatonic. This morbid depression has been more than such for days. I feel the need to die. The fighter inside of my who favours life has been screaming and I've followed orders. Except not when it comes to eating. I have no appetite. I try to shower enough to not have an odor. The woman inside who wants to survive can only do so much over this insurmountable pain.
I know how to tie a noose now. I thought about it all day yesterday, to go out like Stephan. If I didn't right it would be quick. If I didn't...at least i would be in the hospital or dead if no one found me fast enough.
I'm going home to recovery. Home...the home I was never born in. The home where I chose people who love and worry about me. People who wouldn't ever dare do what Chris or my mother did.
If I don't do myself in by the time I go home then it will be one of the hives victories in my life.
I hurt so much. The pain in my heart feels.like thousands of shards stabbing and bleeding me out with every beat. With every fast paced beat. It hurts to breathe.
Chris was found sexting my mother. And she never told me. She never sat me down to show or to explain. She let it happen for months. She said so herself. I had to read them on his phone. My fiancee was sexting my mother about her boobs, her ability of squirting, her maturity. Everything. They even talked about my moving out (which was decided before this breakdown) and how "they couldn't wait."
How does one go on from that? My life is one of those lives that just don't make sense. I was never given a chance from the beginning. Now, at 25, I am living with the experience of being betrayed by both my mom and partner. Ex partner.
I have so many questions and even when I asked them I did and did not understand the answers. None of it would have made any of it right. No words in conjunction or structure would make this right.
I blame myself for a lot of this. For causing the distrust in him months ago. For going to Newfoundland. For meeting and bringing him here. For not moving back to timmins to be with someone else when I had the chance.
Now look at me.
I'm staying at a friends place until I'm on my feet. Again. I hate that this is my life.
I feel as though I have come to a spot in my life where I never wanted to be again. There are days I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over, or, over very small mistakes. This cowardice feeling is unnerving and I'm not sure what to do.
It as though I lost the pride I once held; the stride in my step is shorter than it was. There are many different causes to this sensation of inner self doubt and if I am to be honest, I caused every doubt in myself to come true. I could sit here claiming childhood or early adolescence faux discipline and morals but that would be letting myself off too easy.
Maybe I would be a little easier on myself if small, harmful ballistics [comments] weren't sniping me when I'm not expecting them. I suppose that is the element of surprise that was hoped for. Yet, even such small statements that used to make me want to revolt or prove wrong, I become insignificant. I become docile and lame.
Today, when I was asked a question about the location of an object in my house, I panicked when I answered wrong. I flashed back and my demeanor shrank. I explained myself and apologized for not remembering. I did that bullshit in high school with Kyle, college with Mike and Spencer. Where have I gone wrong?
Even as I type this, tears form in my eyes and a rock in my throat, and I want to hide. I want to not let my feelings out due to the fear that they will come true.
Almost like a Birthday wish.
Every terrible moment creates an opportunity: fall back, learn, move forward.
Beginnings come from every thing in a life. It can come from any failure, break up, break downs...pretty much anything. This year alone has given me so many opportunities to move forward and learn - I have to admit I didn't do either at first. I gave up, gave in, lose control and let it happen. Depression created a safe haven of suicide ideologies.
Perhaps I will get into more detail at a later date, however right now I want to do a little self promo. In one of my tabs I have some of my creations up for sale (more to come).
I have already sold 2 of my creations and hopefully a 3rd tomorrow! It may not be much but it allows me to continue making fun little art for myself and others. I've been channeling the emotions into arts - just like every artist in history. ;)
My fingers tremble with uncertainty and the grey matter that makes up my brain; all I'm doing is typing.
These last few weeks have felt as though it was very busy- yet not at all. I completed my trip to Timmins; I came back alive. Returned to work with relative ease then proceeded to have a root canal.
I have been zooed.
with This will be a short blog, mainly because I feel as though I need more time to develop the right words to describe how I feel. This last year alone has brought be so much turmoil, hardships and strive that I didn't think I was going to make it to 25. I thought that my annual Timmins trip would be my last; I had everything planned out.
However, my 25th came and passed, and I am still standing.
Even as I type this post out, I don't feel as though I am giving enough justice to the situation. In any case, I'm alive, well, with an optimistic outlook on my current relationship and more or less happy.
That is a win, right?
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