I feel as though I have come to a spot in my life where I never wanted to be again. There are days I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over, or, over very small mistakes. This cowardice feeling is unnerving and I'm not sure what to do.
It as though I lost the pride I once held; the stride in my step is shorter than it was. There are many different causes to this sensation of inner self doubt and if I am to be honest, I caused every doubt in myself to come true. I could sit here claiming childhood or early adolescence faux discipline and morals but that would be letting myself off too easy.
Maybe I would be a little easier on myself if small, harmful ballistics [comments] weren't sniping me when I'm not expecting them. I suppose that is the element of surprise that was hoped for. Yet, even such small statements that used to make me want to revolt or prove wrong, I become insignificant. I become docile and lame.
Today, when I was asked a question about the location of an object in my house, I panicked when I answered wrong. I flashed back and my demeanor shrank. I explained myself and apologized for not remembering. I did that bullshit in high school with Kyle, college with Mike and Spencer. Where have I gone wrong?
Even as I type this, tears form in my eyes and a rock in my throat, and I want to hide. I want to not let my feelings out due to the fear that they will come true.
Almost like a Birthday wish.
Every terrible moment creates an opportunity: fall back, learn, move forward.
Beginnings come from every thing in a life. It can come from any failure, break up, break downs...pretty much anything. This year alone has given me so many opportunities to move forward and learn - I have to admit I didn't do either at first. I gave up, gave in, lose control and let it happen. Depression created a safe haven of suicide ideologies.
Perhaps I will get into more detail at a later date, however right now I want to do a little self promo. In one of my tabs I have some of my creations up for sale (more to come).
I have already sold 2 of my creations and hopefully a 3rd tomorrow! It may not be much but it allows me to continue making fun little art for myself and others. I've been channeling the emotions into arts - just like every artist in history. ;)
My fingers tremble with uncertainty and the grey matter that makes up my brain; all I'm doing is typing.
These last few weeks have felt as though it was very busy- yet not at all. I completed my trip to Timmins; I came back alive. Returned to work with relative ease then proceeded to have a root canal.
I have been zooed.
with This will be a short blog, mainly because I feel as though I need more time to develop the right words to describe how I feel. This last year alone has brought be so much turmoil, hardships and strive that I didn't think I was going to make it to 25. I thought that my annual Timmins trip would be my last; I had everything planned out.
However, my 25th came and passed, and I am still standing.
Even as I type this post out, I don't feel as though I am giving enough justice to the situation. In any case, I'm alive, well, with an optimistic outlook on my current relationship and more or less happy.
That is a win, right?
I know it's coming. I just can't tell which storm to prepare for. Tornado or volcano. Destruction or complete annihilation. Depression or mania.
I feel the irritability in my bones; melting into my muscles until it is under my skin. Itching to come out. With every breath it holds my lungs in a matter of unrest. My heart beats:
The weight of uncertainty pushes me to the edge of any sanity I have left. I see the comfort of blackness -
Is the reason I am experiencing these chaotic cycles? Can I blame my suicide attempts fully on them?
No. I guess I can't. The sickness is inside me. It lives within the confines of my skull into the microscopic particles that make up my brain.
My incredibly flawed brain.
Perhaps it is bipolar disorder and I'm fighting it the best I can (poorly). What if it is complex ptsd? What course of action am I taking, then? I know almost all of the root causes to my distress over years of counselling and psychiatric aid. How does that help me live with the
It all requires energy, self awareness, mindfulness and medication. All the same shit I am doing now.
When It Does Ever
Does End? It End?
Trends we need to consider, now.
As a Canadian born woman, I have felt a strong connection to advocacy, nature, aboriginal practices (sadly, non-status) and mental health positivism. I am now 25 and see the world as it is: shattered. The old mind-set of all four aforementioned topics was incredibly flawed, but thankfully, is dying out. The youth have become more open minded but with little direction.
Here are some trends I truly think need to be considered for the future.
Breathing exercises/calming sessions in all schools
Sound simple, right? It's because it is. This is the simplest of exercises to reduce stress, provide moments of clarity and learn mindfulness in every day life. As a human going through any level of school knows how stressful it is. Instead of punishing the over-active, aggressive, and talkative kids with pills and detention/public shaming; we bring their levels of stress down by breathing. As someone who goes to therapy and learnt the benefits of these exercises- I advocate the hell out of this.
This may be a term unheard of for some readers, so let me break it down. It is a shift away from "jail time" to "community assistance". If a youth breaks into a home and is caught, instead of picking up trash at a local park, the judge appoints the youth to help with the ones they hurt. When people commit crimes they mostly don't identify their targets with feelings- if you take that anonymity then people are less likely to want to hurt others. We also learn more about the person who did the crime as a person rather than a criminal.
Actually talking about our mental health
We find out so early in life that our physical state is important to our survival, but we forget to mention that our mental state is equally so. As I said before, the old way of thinking is dying out, so it means that "think positive/snap out of it" should soon be an ugly saying of the past when it comes to M.H. Talking about how we really feel won't make us weak, it will make us stronger as a whole collective. Seeing others as fellow humans, rather than strangers, can help shine more of a positive light on our darkest days.
I will continue to preach and advocate for all of these trends. It may not be much, but it's a start.
“This blog post is a part of Design Blogger Competition organized by CGTrader”
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