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Ex-Best Friend – You will always have a special place in my heart. However, you will no longer have the power to control and destroy me the way you once did. I may be selfish and unforgiving, but I don’t owe you an explanation for finally taking care of myself the way I deserve.
It has taken me so long to understand those words.
My ex best friend was the star in the night to me, shining over all of the darkness that seemed to be all around. She was intelligent, quirky, funny, and skilled in many things. She didn't care what people thought and when I was with her- neither did I. We wore odd clothing and accessories, we danced in the street, we went to tattoo parlor to the metal shows all the time. We smoked, drank, and did illegal drugs together. We made so many memories.
It was extremely toxic.
We spent our time devising ways to lie to people so we could spend more time together. She called the shots most of the time and I would go along with it all. I always wanted her to be proud of me, to happily call me her best friend. For 8 years we spent our friendship on a drug induced train ride. It is hard to pin point where it went wrong for me but for her...it was the boyfriends that got her to inject needles. After that she was never the same person and she became the friend who needed my approval. It broke my heart to see her so broken and unhappy but a friend is supposed to be there for each other right?
Things escalated to the point where she robbed me of $3000 worth of things and didn't come clean. She lived with me at the time and still decided to rob me. Regardless of the time together I had to call it quits. As much as it killed me I had to. She was supposed to be my sister. My droog (*see Clockwork Orange).
It took me years after wards to forgive her for what she had done but it was so difficult. So much energy had gone into hating her, crying over her and getting so unbelievably depressed over the lost friendship that I finally had to ask "is she worth it?". The answer was an obvious No. After years of wondering why she did it came to an end.
You know the saying Forgive and Forget? I think I will be able to forgive her, but never to forget it. And I think that's ok. Her and I had some amazing years and I think it's healthier to remember those times.