Site powered by Weebly. Managed by iPage
Some days I don't even have the energy to smile.
When I was younger I would be told "fake it until you make it". It was one of my mother's favourite sayings. I would witness and experience the abuse from her and my father, but we always needed to "put a smile on". I was being lead by example by a woman who had a particularly good talent at pushing away bad thoughts; however I am not her. By the time I turned 13 I was experiencing manic, depressive and suicidal phases. At this age I had started self medicating and using prescribed medications so fooling people in thinking I was happy was very easy.
It took me a very long time to realize I didn't need to "fake it", I didn't have to lie to others around me and suffer alone. My good friends Brenda told me earlier this year that she doesn't lie when people ask her how she is, she simply responds with "I'm good enough to *insert activity here*." I thought it was brilliant, so I decided to adapt that into my conversations when applicable.
Today I am just good enough to function. The pain in my hip has increased to a 6/10 again and I was hobbling around class to class. I am trying my best to keep on top of all my homework, responsibilities and appointments but when it's hard for you to get out of a car daily tasks become exhausting. I will be starting my first placement in the winter months so I am hoping things come together with doctors before I need to be active in a public school setting.
As much as it pains me I can't stop pushing my body. This morning I woke up so depressed that I drove to campus in a blur, sat in my car alone during break, and left as soon as the bell rang. My peers understand the pain in my hip is very distracting so they have been a very supportive bunch. I also have C to talk to in the evenings and he is the biggest supporter in my life.