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If you change the word "regrets" to "best decision at the time", everything that happens in your life doesn't seem too daunting anymore.
I haven't felt happier in my whole life. There is a certain sense of contentment in my days that I have never known to be true. Especially in a relationship. This is all so surreal, especially for me.
There is no chaos any more. No moments of complete fear, hatred, resentment or betrayal. I no longer have to act differently to make sure my partner is happy. I don't need to guard myself from hurtful words or actions.
I waste my energy thinking about someone who pushed me aside and left me there after they were done with me. Not that I think about being with them instead of C, trust me I don't, but I can't stop. I actively have to tell myself to "knock it off" because it happens more than I care to admit. I guess it is my healing process. When "friends" from my past betrayed me I spent YEARS doing this exact thing. I even reconnected with those people so many years later and I was still met with disappointment. I am not sure why I expected this time to be different. It never is.
Living with a mood disorder and dealing with disappointments and heart breaks of any kind has its many flaws. For example: I've been out of touch with my ex best friend for over 3 years. Do I still creep her and think about the years we spent together? Yes. As much? No. But the pain is dull and achy. It has been over 6 years since the last incident that broke the friendship. I've moved on and so has she. Does that mean I will stop thinking/borderline obsessing over it periodically? Apparently not.
It would be foolish to say "I wish it never happened" because it was pretty awesome. The sex, drugs, crimes and rekindling of an old flame brought awareness back into my life. It was kind of amazing in the worst of ways and because of that I can't wish it never happened. I did, however, have to go through relapse and recovery all over again but it was worth it.
That life was who I used to be. That was the untreated bipolar maniac in me. That was the girl who wanted to take down the world by the wrong methods. I'm sure that if he and I had gotten back together before I left timmins, it would have been the end of me. If I had stayed now, I would have fallen back into the chaos that is drugs. I'm not that girl anymore.
The woman I am now is still learning how to survive every day without returning to my old vices. I'm learning what a real healthy relationship without constant use of alcohol/chemicals; not to mention learning what a sober ME is like. I never would have gotten that with the others.
Even with all of the crap- I don't have any regrets. I hope you don't, either.