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I don't think we [humans] ever learn who we are. Life is a constant journey to find what makes us happy.
In the last few days I have been struggling with the on-coming depressive phase that is creeping over me. I desperately want to run away from it, not let the dark shadowy fingers of depression to touch my skin; but the harder I try the faster it creeps up on me.
Depression isn't just being sad. It's feeling everything or nothing. No in between. Depression is seeing the colours of the world, but dimmed and bland. It is waking up in a weak body and feeling every layer of your skin and the weight of you; and still having to walk. Depression is finding it hard to breathe in just one more breath because it hurts to exist.
Having bipolar disorder II makes it so these depressive phases are more frequent than BPDI (mine are less extreme). However, that also means that every time I find myself in its icy grasp, it's harder to struggle because I'm already so tired. This happens all in my mind while I also have to be a functioning member of society. Something that requires stability and a level head. Something that seems almost impossible while suffering.
I have been working 12 hours since I started work on Monday. It is on-call delivery service so it's not exactly "demanding", but it is uniquely exhausting. Yesterday was supposed to be my podcast with Surviving my Past but I ended up being caught at work because the other driver's car was in the shop.
Here is to the continuous journey of being stronger than my struggles.